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FMDF – Chapter 32

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Fortunately, Kaelus returned before the dinner was over.

“…”

There were a lot of questions I wanted to ask my favorite with no expression, but I managed to endure it with infinite patience until the dinner was over.

All the young doctors who were invited today went back with a satisfied face. With everyone saying they’ll join us if we open the clinic soon.

Leaving the table to the servants, I brought Kaelus back to my room.

“Are you okay?”

“Hmm? You mean me?”

A dry face as if talking about someone else.

“Of course! You just met the crown princess.”

“Oh, that’s it.”

It seems strange. I didn’t want to hear about the relationship between the two, but I’m worried because my favorite looks like that.

“Did Diana complain about the indictment? Then let me handle it. I was supposed to make and detonate it from the beginning..”

“No, she apologized.”

“…?!”

A casual, snappy reply. It took me a moment to fully understand his answer.

“She apologized?”

“Yes, she said she didn’t blame me for wanting to die.”

That’s ridiculous. That’s an excuse, not an apology!

“So… Is she saying that she’s sorry for making such a choice unintentionally?”

“She said I’m sorry over and over again, so it was enough. I told her not to apologize for this anymore.”

“Ha….”

I grabbed my forehead. What am I supposed to do with this stupid girl?

You’ve been silent all this time, and now you’re rushing to apologize because you’re upset at the temple accusation?

The visit to Kaelus seems to be about trying to fix the situation in its own way, but that cannot contain water that has already been spilled.*

*it can’t fix what’s already been broken

Well, from now on, public opinion will help on its own without me having to touch it, so it is a big mistake if Diana thought everything could be solved by appealing to Kaelus.

I’m not happy with anything like an apple that was stabbed.

“How do you feel, Kael?”

“How do I feel?”

Kaelus tilted his head.

“Well, I’m not particularly happy, I’m just a little embarrassed.”

Well, Diana shouldn’t have come in out of the blue. Who wouldn’t be embarrassed if they barged in like this while serving guests?

If you want to apologize, shouldn’t you make a proper meeting appointment and create a serious atmosphere? That way you’ll feel the sincerity, it’s not like you’re doing something bothersome, what are you doing?

Apologizing to make someone as good as a benefactor die, what? You didn’t want him to die?

I hope someone can teach Diana how to apologize properly to the other person or how to sincerely admit wrongdoings.

Anyway, the apology she made today is not the ‘apology’ I really want.

“You don’t have to accept an apology that’s not even like an apology, Kaelus.”

“Hestia, I honestly don’t want to talk more about the past. And I don’t really want to be involved with Diana.”

Kaelus’ attitude was surprisingly firm.

I was absentminded for a moment.

Are you saying that it’s okay to just accept an apology like this?

“Is this really enough?”

“Yes.”

“…?”

The feeling of something being very slightly deviated.

A strange sensation in which the heart and head rattle at the same time.

But before I could look into what it was, Kaelus held me tightly and I was interrupted.

“Hess, you’re enough for me.”

A confession out of the blue.

I was puzzled, but I accepted it happily for now.

“Ha ha, the same goes for me.”

I also think that the only purpose of living in this world is Kaelus.

If we feel the same way, we should be moved to tears.

“…?”

But once again.

There is a strange sense of incompatibility between the head and the heart.

What the hell is this?

“Hestia…”

But before I could see into the true nature of my emotions, my favorite’s hand wrapped around me like a snake.

“Ah…”

The body without resistance was teased by soft hands to its heart’s content.

The body, faithful to its instincts, slowly heated up.

“Yes…”

There was a groan in the seething delight.

I can’t do it. I have to put my mind aside for a bit.

“Kael… to bed…”

But he seemed unwilling to listen to me. His hand slid into my clothes and pulled down my underwear.

“Kae, Kael?”

I was taken aback for a moment. The bed was nearby, so why?

He quickly loosened his belt with one hand. The sofa was too cramped to properly position ourselves. I gave up my lower body helplessly.

“Argh!”

It was an unimaginable pain to insert without foreplay. What the hell is the rush? I burst into tears.

“Kael…! It hurts, it hurts…!”

Then, his finger gently wiped the tearful eyes.

“I’m sorry, Hess. I’m sorry.”

I shouted inwardly at his apology. If you’re sorry, why are you being like this?

“Ugh…”

“Ha… Hess… …My wife…”

While groaning painfully, his voice was somehow desperate.

I wonder how he feels about me now.

“Hmm….”

I slowly relaxed my arm from pushing him away.

Yeah, let Kaelus do whatever she wants. He’s always been fantastic enough to satisfy me, so if I leave everything to him, my complicated mind will be blown away.

“Hess…”

I closed my eyes tightly.

Kaelus held my legs in both arms and began to act hastily as if he were being chased by something. A groan broke out like a scream.

“Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!”

“Oh, my.! Oh my god!

Kaelus gasped and thrusted violently. The thud sounded like thunder in my ear. It pushed mercilessly, as if it was only aimed at relieving the desire.

“Huh, Kael, Kael! Ahhh!

My hands stirred in the air. His waist was half lifted and shook completely in the air. My favorite’s figure who desperately wanted me.

I was bewitched by him before I knew it.

“Ah, ah…! Ah! Ah! Yes!”

To the sound of the slapping flesh, the pleasure rose.

Sometimes it’s okay to be rough. I don’t feel so bad about this feeling of being owned by my favorite.

“Oh, my. Oh, my… Sigh…!”

Kaelus took a short breath and bit my held leg.

“Ugh!”

A little pain ran all over my body. The pain soon magically turned into pleasure and flowed through my body.

“Hmm, hmm…”

Before I knew it, the pain was gone. I almost ran my upper body down to the floor. In an almost inverted position, my body shook endlessly every time he hit hard.

“Oh, my! Oh my god! Ah…!”

I like the unfamiliar feeling that the unfamiliar posture brings. I twisted my waist by itself. The angle of insertion had also changed. A strange sensation of pleasure came in.

“Huh! Haha!”

I gasped without a chance to break up the coquettishness. From afar came the voice of Kaelus.

“Hess, ahhhhhh… Don’t think about anything else.…. It’s just me… I’m the only one…!”

“Oh my god!”

Even if I wanted to say yes, I didn’t have time to open my mouth. Pleasure licked away like a flame. The whole body bounced up.

“Ha! Ha, ha……!”

“Kk, hmm…! Sigh…! Whoo……!”

Kaelus drove into me like I was going to swallow him. He stabbed and stabbed fiercely to the depths of my body.

“Ah…! Ah!”

My mind is all messed up. My toes curled strongly at the hot pleasure of continuous waves. One hand touching the floor grabbed the carpet. I twisted my waist as hard as I could.

“Ha…! Whoo!”

Like a prostitute struggling with lust, obscene communion broke out.

I’m being eaten deliciously by him. I became a feast enjoyed by my favorite. With a greedy wriggle of the lower lip.

“Whew…!”

Kaelus clenched his teeth. The moaning of reaching its limit heralded its climax.

At that moment, he bit my calf again. The whole body was struck by lightning.

“!”

In an unguarded open body, the climax hit like a strong wave.

“Ah, ah, ah…! Oh my god!”

I shuddered and bent heavily. At the same time, Kaelus  also finally vented out his patience.

“Whew…! Whoo!”

My eyes flashed. My whole body trembled and I couldn’t move. I was completely ragged, slanted on the sofa.

“Ugh…”

I groaned faintly, and suddenly a hard arm was supporting my back. Kaelus laid me down straight on the sofa again after I had fallen.

“Hess…”

A sweet voice drenched my ears. Still, I didn’t even have the strength to answer.

“Yes…”

The field of vision slowly blackened. In the midst of daze, the question that I had been trying to bury bloomed again.

Why was he so urgent? What made him nervous? Because I felt some kind of unease in me.

“…”

But before I could think it over, I passed out.

~~~~

When accusations of irregularities against the temple erupted, the scandal fell on not only the society but also the people of the whole kingdom.

The betrayal of the people was indescribable. From the very day the complaint was filed, people demanding clarification and apology began to camp in front of the temple.

There were papers everywhere on the busy street. Most of the content strongly condemned the secularization of the temple.

“Oh, my God, I can’t believe you’re wasting that precious donation!”

“How much money they had, they lost a lot of money while investing for profit!”

“Someone is still suffering from hunger. I can’t believe it.”

In particular, as in my experience before returning to Korea, there was also a time that I asked the priest to meet a saint and was coldly rejected.

“Look at this. The temple and the saint are no longer on the side of the people.”

“The saint entered the palace and completely changed. 

Public opinion, which had been rampant, slowly began to converge.

The temple began to deteriorate a long time ago, but the conclusion was that after producing the crown princess, they became more explicit in pursuing power and the secular world.

It was Diana who was blamed for the secularization and depression of the temple.

This is because it is widely known that she, who achieved a rise in her status as a crown princess at the common people’s shrine, attracted a large number of priests to the palace and strictly separated from existing political forces.

“I thought it was clean, but I was going to push out the common people and the nobles and take over the temple!”

People interpreted this as revealing the temple’s ambition for power.

Even if Diana herself simply showed that she was different from the nobles, she was suspicious enough in the eyes of the people who did not know her “deep meaning.”

In addition, when the complaint revealed that she had “complained” about the soap supplied to Illion, the commoners of the capital were properly turned upside down.

The specific reason for Diana’s complaint – which she did not distribute for free – did not appear in the complaint.

I cleverly distorted her original intentions by deliberately not putting it in a complaint. And my attempt at this was perfectly successful.

The people compared themselves to the healthier Illionites, and accepted that Diana opposed the supply of cheap soap because she was already privileged as a royal.

“The crown princess was an incredible person, too! I’m ashamed of who I once called a saintess.”

“I hate the ‘bad guy who I thought was good, but actually the bad guy’ rather than the original bad guy.”*

*TN: really confusing sentence but they hate Diana who they thought was good but was actually the bad guy even worse than who they thought was the bad guy

Each person I encountered was not sparingly criticizing the temple and the crown princess.

I was truly relieved.

“This is it! This is the picture I wanted from the beginning.”

A scene where the whole world turns its back on the heroine and points its finger at her.

I wonder if she felt a little bit of Kaelus’ feelings now.

~~~~

As the imperial city’s public opinion deteriorated rapidly, the aristocratic society began to move busily without missing this time.

A few days after reading the complaint at the cabinet meeting, Erinnis sat face to face with a determined face.

“Duchess Hestia, tomorrow, the nobles say they will formally demand the emperor’s abdication of the crown princess.”

“Oh…!”

I didn’t hide my expectations.

“It’s better to push ahead quickly when public opinion is in full swing. No matter how important it is, the public sentiment that has once boiled down won’t last very long.”

“The duchess is right. That’s why we’ve prepared a discussion about the decommissioning.”

Erinnis also nodded furiously.

“The board wasn’t filled by all of the imperial nobles, but they still collected them to a significant extent. At this point, most of the aristocracy would feel the same way.”

“As I’ve always said, we don’t need accurate figures. Just the impression of ‘consistency’ is enough to put pressure on them.”

“Before bringing the agenda to the cabinet meeting, all the people who signed the joint board in front of the Lion Palace will gather.”

“Whoa.”

“As the duchess said, the visual effect is the best to give the impression that most nobles want her to abdicate.”

I laughed with satisfaction.

“As expected, you are the countess who understands what I mean.”

If I say one thing, where else can I find a comrade who understands and practices it? There is no one, if not personally close, that is better than this, at least politically on the same boat.

Erinnis smiled, too.

“I didn’t know how fortunate it is to join sides with the duchess. If I were to pick just one person I didn’t want to turn into an enemy, I wouldn’t hesitate to pick the Duchess. I mean it.”

“Oh, I don’t need any more compliments! Thank you, Countess Erinnis.”

It’s refreshing.

Diana. You were lucky to be born as a heroine and become a crown princess. You drank cider and walked only on the flower path, right?

Now you’re finally back in your spot.

Please don’t feel wronged. The title of  crown princess really doesn’t suit you.

Do you know that sometimes thoughtless innocence is the most cruel? Kaelus was killed once by your naive accusation.

I want to show you what the end of a narrow-minded idealist is like. That’s real justice in reality.

“I will bring down the crown princess, duchess.”

Erinnis assured in a confident voice.

“Okay. Please take care of me until the end.”

The finishing touch.

I shall make the final point as the abdication of Diana.

This is how my revenge will be completed.

~~~~

After his vacation, Kaelus went back to the palace.

As the head of state in charge of government affairs, there was always a lot of work to deal with in front of Kaelus. Having rested for a few days, he naturally had a lot of work to do.

“Can I come with you and help you?”

As he was getting ready to go out, I asked with a worried look.

“I know it’s much better if you help me, but you can’t.”

Kaelus gently swept my hair aside.

“You’re not free. You’re in charge of Illion’s and Attica’s internal affairs.”

“Well, but…”

What can I do? It’s more sad that my lovely favorite suffers than I suffer.

But Kaelus was quite adamant, too.

“I hope you don’t overdo it. I don’t want you to repeat your past of being sick and dying.”

“…Okay.”

He was so serious that I had to back down.

~~~~

After sending Kaelus off, I returned to my room and flopped down on the sofa.

“Phew….”

I lost all my strength.

To be honest, I can’t get my hands on anything now that I’m done with my work.

As Kaelus said, the internal affairs of the two territories were still in my hands, but there is no motivation to work hard.

“…”

Yeah, this is the problem. I’ve never thought about the next time I would achieve my goal.

When I first became possessed, I thought that I would be relieved if I watched the original work and watched the ending. So I lived generously focusing only on being a fanatic.

When the possession didn’t end even after the ending, it was truly dark. What pleasure would I have to live in a world without Kaelus? It was a painful time to open my eyes every morning.

And this life as a regressor.

I had run so far only with the determination to give Kaelus the leash of life and get revenge on Diana and Helios.

Just as I’m about to achieve that goal.

What am I going to do from now on?

“First of all… I have work in front of me….”

I stared at the pile of papers.

I’ve achieved all of my goals to live, but my life is still going on.

“Next goal, well, I can take my time.”

There is only one concern.

That Kaelus will grieve a lot if I can’t change the future and end up dying.

I remember what Kaelus said to me after receiving an apology from Diana.

A confession that “you’re enough”.

After reflecting on why it wasn’t so uplifting.

“…I feel pressured.”

Surprisingly, the conclusion was this.

I am the only person Kaelus can look at in his entire life.

Was Hestia, who neither possessed nor returned, a significant part of the novel? She was definitely not. She was just a passing extra.

I was able to save Kaelus because I was a reader from outside the book. I’m not “Hestia”.

What was the result that was faithful to the role of an extra in the novel? Didn’t Kaelus die after the happy ending of the original novel?

There is no other reason why Kaelus could be saved and loved by the duchess.

This is because after the return, I did not look on the world as an extra and actively intervened in the world as a kind of secondary creator.

That means.

“I’m not a fictional character…”

Once again, I lost all my strength.

I’m not a character in a novel, I’m just an ordinary reader outside the novel. I was not born an aristocrat, nor was I good at scheming.

My real substance is nothing but a fanatic of Kaelus. Just a big fan, far from being the only one he’s ever devoted to loving.

Perhaps in the near future, Diana and Helios will have a cold relationship with each other.

No, I’m sure it will.

I didn’t want to be loved by my favorite in the first place. I just wanted to revive him and inspire him to continue to live.

That’s why I was able to run without hesitation. Good or bad, but only for the happiness of the favorite.

“If this was the real world, I wouldn’t be able to do this. Of course.”

I breathed a deep sigh.

I am not ignorant of morality.

It is admitted that each person has a different story, and that there may be such circumstances even in incomprehensible things.

I know it’s not a good thing to build up the other person’s life just because I’m angry with someone.

Pursuing open-minded cider in real life, I remembered that someone I don’t know could suffer the wrong damage.

When solving a problem, you can’t simply respond one-to-one like a linear function.

I’ve realized enough even in my not-so-long life.

  In a world where people live and breathe, no one deserves to die.

I don’t deserve to judge someone like that.

I am also a guilty and flawed, very ordinary ‘person’ who knows that I should always be generous about other people’s mistakes.

Why? Because it’s a person.

We’re not perfect at all, so trying to be a better person while correcting mistakes is ‘being a person.’

“But this is a novel.”

I’m the only one who knows a huge secret that people here don’t know.

A reader who knows all the past and innermost thoughts of the main characters from an omniscient point of view.

I’m not trying to feel superior just because I’m different from the people in the novel. I mean, I’m from an outside world, hard to live with people here.

Still, will I be able to live happily here for the rest of my life, just like the beings in this world?

No, more explicitly.

“Can I endure like this for the rest of my life…?”

To be honest, I just want my possession to end at this point.

I want to enjoy the ending that I made the way I wanted it. I don’t have to look at the stale and gruesome reality that follows.

I’m just happy to see the end of the story I made.

That’s why it’s too much.

Kaelus’ confession that I’m enough.

“…”

Look at the pile of papers again.

Simple labor is the best when things are troublesome.

“……If you have time for useless thoughts, let’s work. Yes?”

I try to comfort myself by talking to myself.

~~~~

“Whoo….”

Kaelus, who breathed a deep sigh, also seemed quite tired for several days.

“As expected, there’s too much work piled up, right?”

When I asked him, determined to help him, if I had any chance, he shook his head.

“It’s not because I have a lot of work, Hestia.”

“Oh, really?”

Have you already taken care of it? That’s a competent favorite.

But why does he look so exhausted?

“Do you have any other troublesome problems?”

“Well…”

Kaelus frowned and thought for a moment.

I thought it might be difficult for him to tell me, so I decided to wait in silence for now.

Then.

“…Noblemen have been gathering in front of the Lion Palace for days.”

“Ah…”

That’s what happened. Erinnis said she would gather people in front of the emperor’s residence.

However, seeing that they are troubling my favorite, it seems that they are really gathering and exercising their skills.

Kaelus shook his head.

 “The problem is they want something from me. I always answer the same way, but it’s not enough.”

“I see they’re asking you to approve of the abdication.”

“It’s a pressure of silence. Whoo….”

Kaelus looked genuinely puzzled.

“The emperor must be holding up the pressure well.”

“It’s because the aristocrats aren’t rejecting the cabinet meeting yet. But if he stalls, he’ll end up with a catastrophe.”

I also emphasized to Kaelus that he should not take a long time. Should the political situation, which has been stabilized at best by his sacrifice, be in chaos again?

I asked, carefully examining his appearance.

“Why don’t you agree?”

“As soon as I agree, this issue is completely out of Helios’ hands.”

He shook his head firmly.

Kaelus’ position on the abdication of the crown princess is primarily a matter between the crown couple.

So until anything came to a conclusion between Diana and Helios, Kaelus refused to intervene thoroughly.

“Regardless of their intentions, if she loses her royal status under external pressure, it greatly weakens the imperial power. So based on this, the empire will collapse.”

“Yes…”

What does it matter if this empire collapses or not? To be honest, it doesn’t matter to me.

But Kaelus is the duke of this country, the pillar of this empire.

At least for him it’s an empire that is dear to him, protected by his hand.

Therefore, I also decided to follow my favorite’s position without a word.

“I’ll do as you wish.”

“Thank you, Hess.”

Well, even if I didn’t come to the surface and drag Diana down, Helios will have no choice but to let go of Diana’s hand.

The more you hold on to her and prolong her time, the more disadvantaged it is on the emperor’s side. Otherwise, a boycott of the cabinet meeting would be formed.

Helios, as everyone admits, is essentially a cold ruler. He’s hanging in there right now because of his affection for Diana, but he’ll make a decision either way soon.

Then which way would it be? Is the old love that has cooled down more precious than the rule of the empire?

So there is absolutely nothing to worry about. Because I believe in Helios’ coldness.

~~~~

The demands of the nobles for the abdication of the crown princess continued.

I decided to obey Kaelus, so I deliberately shut myself up in the duchy without showing my face at the palace.

Honestly, from my point of view, I have a lot to say even if I don’t go out to the palace and protest.

Have any of the nobles who have been struggling in front of her ever been as fierce and blatant as I have been? I even had a public argument at a tea party she hosted.

I was the first to collect public opinion, and I was the one to actually collect information and write a complaint. Although I got help from Kaelus at the end.

None of the nobles dared to say anything about me stepping back from here.

If it’s unfair, you can come and complain. I’ll take care of you as much as I want.

However, fortunately, there seems to be enough firepower even if I don’t walk there directly, and there has been no contact yet to explicitly ask me to add to the strength.

They are more shameless than they seem. This is why I like aristocrats.

~~~~

One day, when I was focusing on the internal affairs of the territory at home, Kaelus contacted me again that he would return late from the palace.

“I thought he could take a break after negotiations with the kingdom, but that’s not true at all.”

I’m worried that Kaelus will overdo it day and night. I can’t let him die because he’s my favorite who saved my life.

I’m actually busy dealing with the tasks of the two territories alone, but I’d rather do it a hundred times than make my favorite suffer.

As I was working in the room again after having dinner first, I could hear the sound of a carriage wheel rolling quietly from outside.

Should I go out and greet him today? Hurry up and get up and go out to the front door.

“Kael, did you have dinner?”

As a native Korean, my biggest concern is that my beloved favorite can’t even eat properly.*

*TN: Korea was devastated after the war, and food was harder to come by. So to show your concern for someone’s well being, you ask if they have eaten.

He nodded with his usual expressionless face.

“I had a rough meal.”

“Well, I’ll ask the butler and make a simple soup.”

“No, more than that…”

“?”

Kael, who suddenly stared at me. I examined his expression carefully. Come to think of it, his face seems rather stiff than expressionless.

“I need to talk to you. Hestia. Can we walk in the garden for a minute?”

I had a heart attack for some reason. I don’t know why, but my gut tells me so.

“…Okay.”

I’m out of breath because of anxiety.

~~~~

A dim light was lit along the promenade in the dark garden. It’s a quiet night garden, but I can’t see any of it now.

My voice went up in a fit of fear.

  “I thought I’d be able to relax because all the big cases were gone. But I’m still busy.”

“Is that so?”

I got nervous for some reason because of the short answer.

“The first report has finally arrived from Madam Harmonia. Attica is looking forward to the management of the new lord.”

“Oh, I see.”

Considering that he was not interrupting and somehow answering in short answers, it is clear that Kaelus has a heavy story that it is hard to bring up.

I am more and more worried.

“…Kael. What the hell is going on…?”

In the end, I couldn’t resist and bought it first. The heart beated uncontrollably.

Kaelus stopped walking.

“Hestia.”

“Yes.”

A white face turned straight at me.

“What you said before… I mean, your purpose.”

“?”

“Was it that the crown prince and his wife apologized and they regretted the past?”

“Yes…”

I replied, rolling my eyes nervously. Why are you bringing that up all of a sudden?

“Well, can you say that you’ve accomplished your purpose now?”

“…What?”

I don’t believe I achieved everything. What are you talking about?

Diana hasn’t apologized properly to Kaelus yet. The apology she made last time was just a show to avoid the imminent crisis!

But his eyes are.

“Hess, I intend to officially announce to the emperor tomorrow in front of the nobles that I do not wish to dispose of Diana.”

“!”

At the moment, nothing came to mind.

You’re going to do what?

“I decided to break my determination to remain neutral. Diana will not lose the title of the crown princess.”

“…!”

I doubted my ears. So, Kaelus is helping Diana.

“Dethroned, not to…”

“Yeah. Honestly, things aren’t so good. It’s hard to remain neutral as I believe anymore.”

“…”

I felt hopeless.

So what he means is, he’s going to end all the fighting like this.

Now, Diana is on the brink. In order for her to truly realize her arrogance and wrongdoing and reflect on herself, it is only possible if she has lost everything she has ever built on the flower path of lady rofan!

She gave my favorite a shallow apology, so easily on that pretentious cliff.

A chance to self-reflect. In vain.

“This, this… You’re going to save her?!”

“Hess, listen to me.”

Kaelus held my arm firmly. I could feel his eyes towards me, but my eyes were already lost and shaken aimlessly.

“Heli and Diana apologized for being indifferent to me. Thanks to you for enlightening them.”

“…”

“I don’t bear a grudge in my heart anymore. The most important thing for me right now is how you and I will live a happier life regardless of those two. Just that.”

“…”

I still didn’t say anything. Honestly, I didn’t hear a word he said.

“Hestia, look at me!”

At last he grabbed me by the face and forced me to face him.

“Can’t we just think about what we’re going to be happy with, without getting involved with them anymore? Let the silver lining flow away, and think only of us here…!”

“….”

“You don’t have to hold onto your grudge like that. The two have already regretted and apologized enough. That really made me feel better!”

It’s okay?

So, let’s end it in a vague way? Diana didn’t lose anything.

“I want to stop fighting now, Hestia. Instead, I want to focus on being happier with you.”

“…so….”

I gently moved my eyes to look at the purple in front of me.

“Let’s stop here…?”

Without seeing the end, you just want to push yourself like this and just change your decision?

Before we burst the cool cider, let’s just make a bubble and then we’ll end it vaguely?

The glassy purple looked at me and affirmed.

“Yes.”

At that moment.

“…!”

A strange sense of awakening from something struck me.

A stranger outside the realm of familiarity. A reader outside the novel who watches the innocent people who live by the flow of the novel without knowing anything.

The greatest virtue of romance fantasy is vicarious satisfaction. through the actions of the characters in the novel who do what is absolutely impossible in the harsh reality.

You have to pop the refreshing cider in a fantasy novel.

Otherwise, the development will inevitably be criticized for harsh comments. That’s the real identity of the world.

“…”

A brilliant, mind-boggling, fundamental question.

The land I’m standing on, is it real?

Or is it a novel?

“…Okay.”

“Hess…!”

“I told you I’d do as you please. I’ll do that.”

I’m an extra. My fate was to follow the decisions of the main characters.

At the same time, I think as a reader.

A novel that was like eating a million sweet potatoes.*

*TN: frustrated or impatient feeling about a situation

It’s enough to stop.

~~~~

“…”

I was sprawled out on the bed.

My heart is empty. It’s as if something in my head has slipped out at once.

What was my original purpose of living in this world?

It was Kaelus. It was to make him live happily with the will to live.

And Diana and Helios, who made my favorite person despair, to desperately hit the ground and regret it. A sincere apology to Kaelus.

“…I’ve achieved everything…?”

I’m afraid not. I don’t think so.

After all, Diana didn’t taste the real bottom of the hole. Only when I dispose of the crown princess and she loses everything she has will I get the real end I want.

Come to think of it, what I really wanted was to punish Diana bitterly. In return for bringing my favorite to tears and eventually leading to death.

Thinking apart from Kaelus, honestly, Diana has no contact with me. There is no such thing as to be indebted or to have an enemy.

Nevertheless, the reason why I went around with all my heart and soul for Diana’s downfall is none other than Kaelus.

So I don’t know what to do when my favorite who has to be the subject of revenge stops this revenge on his own.

My hatred is still alive. I’m still mad at the heroine.

Kaelus, who is my main character, is stepping down because he has no intention of solving it anymore, so what should I do now?

I still haven’t forgiven Diana. If Kaelus can’t get revenge, I’m willing to get revenge instead.

But what he wants.

“… Let’s stop…?”

It’s terribly futile.

Was the punishment I have done so far for the original female lead and the male lead really useful?

  Did Kaelus really want my revenge?

What the hell have I done so far?

“Ha….”

It’s just a laugh.

~~~~

The next day, early in the morning.

“…”

I heard Kaelus leaving for the palace over the open terrace.

He’s just going. To save his old love, Diana, from abdication.

Because Kaelus remained neutral, the nobles were able to stand up fiercely. However, if he clearly expresses his opposition, the demands of the nobles will inevitably lose their power.

Above all, Kaelus is the head and duke of the nobles of this country.

In addition, his status has risen beyond envy of the emperor due to a series of events, such as successful negotiations with the kingdom and the rich management of the Illion estate.

The weight of every word of Kaelus is heavier than the cries of ten nobles.

“Diana must be happy. The second lead protected her until the end.”

I spat out lonesomely.

With Kaelus’s statement, Diana will dramatically escape the crisis of abdication. Instead of falling to the bottom, she will live in a leisurely way, enjoying all kinds of glory as a crown princess.

“Ha….”

I’m so embarrassed. I’m out of breath.

I don’t even like the air surrounding me.

“…”

With genuine intensity.

I want to quit this novel.

~~~~

Sure enough, around noon, an urgent message arrived from Countess Erinnis.

“…”

My mouth is bitter as I read the letter.

As expected, Kaelus went to the nobles gathered in front of the Lion Palace and officially expressed his intention that “the Crown Princess cannot be deposed.”

People were instantly quiet as if they had poured cold water on them. Kaelus urged the nobles to disband in a polite but firm tone, and so they dispersed as their morale was completely dampened.

Erinnis, do you want to know if I’m against Kaelus? She was wondering if I was trapped in the mansion.

“Hahaha….”

I get this misunderstanding because I’ve been so quiet.

I threw Erinnis’ letter into the fireplace. The letter quickly caught fire and burned quickly.

“…”

The weather is sunny, unlike my cloudy mind.

I reached out for a moment. a gentle breeze above the palm

“It’s cool….”

I sat on the terrace railing, muttering meaninglessly.

Jump off.

I rolled the words that had been floating in my head all morning once again on the tip of my tongue.

Quit.

“…”

Honestly, is that possible?

Damn, my possession continues over and over again. Every time I wake up, I am in this disgusting novel.

In fact, I’ve even died once – although it’s a presumption. Nevertheless, I opened my eyes again in the world with ‘regression’.

So dying isn’t the end.

“Whoo….”

Sitting on the railing, I peeped down. It’s not a fatal height because it’s only the second floor. Even if I fall, I will only break a few bones, and I will not die.

The sudden sound of a carriage. A large carriage had just passed through the gate of the mansion and is coming in front of the porch. Kaelus seems to have returned from the palace.

“…”

I never thought I’d hate to see my favorite’s face.

But for the first time now, I hated to see Kaelus.

I can’t believe you forgave her so easily. What pain you’ve been through. You should’ve let her go through the same thing. Do you have any idea what I’ve been up to with so much poison?

I turned away from him. Then my gaze turned back down the terrace.

If I die again this time.

Then can I go back to my real reality? Can I leave this novel?

“Uh…”

But I’m afraid. I can’t make a dangerous attempt at something I’m not sure about.

But how can Diana live her life enjoying all the wealth and glory?

When I close my eyes and open it again, I hope that I can see the stark modern furniture, not the colorful aristocratic style in front of me.

“…I’m going crazy.”

But at that moment.

“?!”

A thud of doors. And…

“!”

A man in a rush.

Sitting on the railing, I was dragged down in a flash. I rolled on the floor in an ugly way, tangled together.

“…?!”

How did Kaelus run all the way here? And why is he being so rude?

“Hmm….”

“!”

A faint groan, or cry, through tight-lipped lips.

Only then can I feel him hugging me and shaking.

My confused mind is slowly cleared up. Let’s deduce the situation before and after with a fairly calm mental state of mind.

Oh, now I know. Why he was so surprised.

“Uh…”

“!”

But as soon as I open my mouth, his arms that are so tight around me tightened to the point that I can’t breathe.

I need to explain it quickly. It’s not what you think.

I didn’t sit on the terrace railing to die, I just thought about how to return to my world.

“…”

Is that it?

How can I explain everything clearly to someone who doesn’t even know I’m a possessor?

I feel sorry. I’m terribly sorry that I made him have a wild imagination because he’s still my favorite, even though I thought I hated Kaelus for a moment.

Didn’t I even promise him many times. I won’t leave first, unless he urges me to.

“Excuse me, Kael…”

“…”

I secretly called him apologetically out of embarrassment, but he still remained silent with me in his arms.

He must have misunderstood. I really didn’t mean to die. I was just, ‘going back.’

But an explanation will be useless. To do that, I have to reveal that I’m a possessor.

It’s better to just shut up and calm down Kaelus.

“It’s okay, I’m okay now…”

“…”

“I’m sorry to surprise you.”

“….”

Yet increasingly tight arms, I was stuck in the arms of Kaelus and couldn’t move.

My face frowned with pain.

“Ka, Kael… That’s enough..”

“…”

My favorite who didn’t even breathe. Are you holding your breath?

Eventually, I was quiet, too. I have no choice but to wait until he releases his arms himself.

The butler Uross and the servants, who entered the room before I knew it, were also timid and aware. I managed to gesture them out. Quietly they went out.

“…Kael.”

I called Kaelus once again in a low voice.

I tried to wriggle out of the way because I had to avoid rolling on the terrace floor somehow.

Then came a faint voice.

“Why…”

I stopped moving reflexively. Only then did I feel something damp on my shoulders.

“…”

My favorite is crying.

My heart throbbed suddenly. I’m not that great of a human being. I can’t believe I made my favorite cry.

I bowed my head endlessly.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry….”

I completely relaxed myself. I leaned my head against Kaelus’ chest and murmured again.

“I’m sorry, Kael…….”

I made him cry.

It’s as painful as my heart is shattered.

~~~~

We sat in the room without saying a word to each other until the day was dark.

Kaelus didn’t allow me to move any farther. He looked at me with a distorted face the whole time, with our hands clasped tightly together.

Whenever that happened, I eventually gave up and had no choice but to sit next to him calmly again.

But I can’t stay up all night like this. I talked to him carefully.

“I’m… I’m really not going to do anything, so can you let go of my hand for a second.”

“…”

“I’m telling you, I promise.”

“…”

It is heartbreaking to see Kaelus lifting his red eyes.

“I’m sorry, Kael.”

“…”

Tears quickly filled his purple eyes and fell on his face. I’m sorry to break his heart, but even his crying is so pretty.

I raised my hand and wiped his face slightly. My crying favorite was so pretty that I smiled faintly.

“I won’t do that anymore.”

“…”

“I won’t surprise you, so don’t worry. Kaelus.”

Heavily distorted eyebrows with eyes full of water underneath.

I smoothed the eyes without realizing it.

How beautiful he is. The insidious thoughts of a fan spring from my mind. It’s not bad to have him cry often.

Such foolish thoughts in front of a person who is shedding tears from shock are proof that I have not yet fully accepted the world as my reality.

But now, seriously, I must ask myself a question.

How long am I going to live on the sidelines?

Even though I have someone crying because of me in front of me, is this still a novel to me?

Now that Kaelus has saved Diana, is he no longer my reason for life?

“…”

The faint smile subsided little by little.

To be honest, I don’t want to continue to see the novel that ends in a different way from the ending I want – exactly the secondary creation after the ending.

But that’s what I thought when I thought it was a novel, and if I recognized it as my new reality.

I think that’s the case with reality. A slightly bitter and uncomfortable ending with no hollow cider.

To accept the ending where Diana is not deposed of is to acknowledge the reality that such a bitter ending is bound to be the best as a ‘reality’.

Then I sincerely,

Am I ready to abandon my original world and settle down with my mind in this novel?

“Hess.”

Once again, my face is blurred by the overflowing tears of my favorite.

A violently shaken heart covers the front of my eyes.

~~~~

From that day on, Kaelus locked himself back in the room. What’s different is that he won’t leave my room, not his.

Thanks to him, I didn’t have a single moment alone.

Clarice, the maid, flew meals to my room every time without a word of complaint.

“Thank you, Clarice.”

“Don’t mention it. Of course it’s what I do.”

She never lost her smile, even as she saw the unstable Kaelus again. a truly great sense of calm.

I also asked my favorite in a calm tone.

“Kael, would you like to come and eat with me?”

“…”

He is remarkably silent, but he always responds to my call.

I sounded deliberately bright as he approached the table.

“It’s full of things you like!”

Then his mouth opened after a long time.

“What do you like?”

“Oh…?”

I paused at a sudden question. then.

“Is there anything I like? Of course.”

Is he about to call the lady-in-waiting with a cool face?

I hurriedly stopped him.

“No, I like them all, too!”

“…”

Kaelus was quiet again.

But honestly, I had a limit to pretending to be no different than usual.

Two thoughts fought fiercely in my heart. Will I accept that I should stop taking revenge on Diana? Or will I somehow find my way out of the world to stop*.

*TN: to stop taking revenge

As hard as I tried to accept the novel as reality, psychology resisted fiercely.

Naturally, amid the silence, he opened his mouth first.

“Hestia.”

“Yes.”

I answered mechanically.

After a while, careful questions followed.

“… Shall we leave the capital for a while?”

The unexpected words made my head raise. I stared at the purple eyes.

“Let’s leave the noisy capital and go on a trip together so that we can focus only on each other.”

“…”

It’s a trip.

It sounds nice, but on the other hand, isn’t it a good excuse to run away?

Leaving everything unattended and leaving here for a while to see a new landscape will not solve the war going on inside me. I’d just delayed it for a while.

But if I give him a proper answer, Kaelus will suffer less.

“I’ll think about it.”

I still love Kaelus. I emphasize again that everything I’ve said to him so far was sincere.

Let’s remember from the beginning that I love him, but I don’t crave to be loved by him.

If the favorite can’t wait and see Diana fall, it’s up to me to accept it. Even if he took Diana’s hand again, didn’t I vow to be willing to bear it?

It is entirely up to Kaelus to choose whether to forgive Diana or not. My role is just to stand behind him and support his choices.

In the relationship between Kaelus, Diana and Helios, I’m just an irrelevant third party. To put it more bluntly, it’s just a reader who watches without intervention.

We must not forget that.

“Hestia.”

“Yes.”

His voice is somehow trembling.

“What are you thinking? May I ask?”

I replied with a brazen face.

“I’m thinking about what I decided to think about a while ago.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Haha, I’m not thinking about anything crazy, so don’t worry.”

“…”

A ferociously pale face.

Alas, I guess I’ve brought him to the worst imagination yet again.

“I’m sorry. My words were too light.”

Considering the nonsense popping out, I’m definitely out of my mind now.

If I don’t settle this mess quickly and come to a conclusion, I’ll end up hurting my beloved Kaelus irrevocably.

“I’ll give you an answer soon. Can you wait a little bit…?”

With an apologetic heart, I smiled softly.

Kaelus slinked his head down.

“I’m sorry…”

I can’t stand the rattling of my heart.

~~~~

When he had been in the same room for several days, the butler Uross said.

“Well, my lord. We have a visitor.”

Kaelus answered, keeping his eyes on me lying in bed.

“I won’t see them. Send them back.”

“It’s Mr. Hyperion.”

“I don’t care who it is.”

Kaelus turned his white face to the butler.

“Tell him to go back.”

“No, I can’t do that, Kael.”

“!”

The butler was embarrassed by the sudden voice, and Kaelus made a fierce impression.

I was lying under the covers and stood up.

“Welcome, Mr. Hyperion.”

The butler quietly closed the door and walked away when I, the room owner, greeted him.

I said to Helios with a smile on my face.

“His highness, the crown prince, came to you personally, and it is not a good thing to send him back. You’re here to see my husband, so you two can talk.”

Helios came, so I was honestly relieved. If not, when will Kaelus leave?

Slowly I leaned out of bed, and as expected, he grabbed me like a baby.

“Hess!”

“His Highness is here, Kael.”

I wrung out my favorite’s hand. Then I roughly put the shawl on the wall over my shoulder.

“I’ll get some fresh air in the garden.”

Without looking back, I came out of the room.

~~~~

“Phew….”

Maybe I had made her favorite person too dependent. Sitting on a bench in the garden, I reflected on my past.

I don’t think I did anything particularly to be his hands and feet. Wasn’t all I did at best was watching the domestic affairs on behalf of Kaelus and to screw up the heroine and the male lead?

“…”

Despite the affection shown by Kaelus, I still had no attachment to this damn world.

In the end, I failed to bring Diana down to the floor, and Kaelus, who is on their side after being beaten by Diana and Helios, is cold-blooded.

To be honest, if he stayed still, it would have been my wish. Why am I so distressed by him coming forward and not staying still?

The answer, however, is quite simple.

“Of course. Kaelus was giving everything to Diana from the original…”

I tore the grass out of the complexity of my feelings.

I’ve decided to accept whatever Kaelus does. I even vowed to accept his choice of Diana again.

But it was all based on her proper remorse and apology.

So I may be even more struggling with Kaelus’ decision, unable to admit that Diana’s “apology” at the moment.

“By the way, the story takes quite a while…“

There’s so much to say between you two. Helios seems to be saying thank you for saving Diana.

It’s bitter. In the end, Kaelus saved them again.

It was all my favorite’s thing to do, to bring down the Duke Orcus family for the two, and to protect Diana, who was to be deposed in the perfect cause.

“I look like a fool.”

My heart aches.

Then I looked up at the approaching person.

“Helios…”

I murmured softly in my mouth without realizing it.

Having finished talking to Kaelus, he came to me sitting in the garden in a long robe.

I don’t need manners because he’s here as Hyperion anyway. I stared up at him.

Helios sat next to me with a long sigh.

“You’re deeply hurt, aren’t you?”

“…”

It can’t be expressed as heartbroken, but I didn’t deny it because it was old.

“Kael must have been very surprised, too. I didn’t expect you to be so discouraged.”

He’s so relaxed when he’s released after being cornered.

I smirked.

“I guess you can’t get out of the woods without Kaelus. It was the Duke Orcus, and this time.”

“…”

Helios said nothing.

There is no reason to be in one place with Helios, who I don’t want to see. I stood up, closing my shawl.

“Go home safely.”

“I asked for it.”

“?”

I stopped moving at a moment’s notice at a sudden outburst of words.

The golden eyes of Helios stared straight at me.

“I persuaded him to stay neutral for a few days. Yeah. Like you said, there was no other way but Kael.”

“….”

“You can call me names for being incompetent. But I hope you don’t misunderstand. It’s not that he hasn’t forgotten Diana.”

I ended up laughing out loud.

  “Is that what he says? I’m misunderstanding?”

“At least, I don’t think you believe in his true feelings. Because you know so much about Kael’s past.”

“I mean, I still believe he loves Diana.”

“Is he wrong?”

When Helios asked me, I nodded with an expression that I was perfectly natural.

“Yes. Totally.”

“Then why don’t you listen to what he’s saying?”

I gave a cold answer.

“Because it wasn’t the end I wanted. How much humility do you think a person who has never fallen to the bottom can learn?”

“If what you want is for Diana to come down from the crown princess.”

Helios seemed to try not to raise his voice.

 “There could be other ways, even if it’s not a dethronement. My relationship with Diana is the worst right now.”

I looked at him still. It’s a different road.

“For example, divorce?”

When explicitly referring to ‘divorce’, Helios frowned slightly but did not deny it.

“Of course I don’t want a divorce. Even if I get along with Diana like a stranger, I don’t plan to break up right away.”

I was dumbfounded.

“What are you trying to convince me that there’s another way, if you can’t give up your crown princess?”

It doesn’t add up at all. He said that there is another way for me besides resigning to the throne, and that he would not divorce even if he lived like a stranger.

What the hell are you going to do?

“Hestia.”

Helios stuck tenaciously.

“It must be boring, but I’ll ask you again. What do you really want? Diana and I falling to the bottom?”

Why do you ask me if I know you well?

But Helios continued.

“I don’t think so. Think about it, Hestia.”

“?”

I frowned and tried to grasp what Helios was saying.

What do I really want? Needless to say, Diana lost everything and desperately regretted it.

Wait.

Okay.

“…!”

Regretting.

To regret falling to the ground that the heroine had abandoned Kael. And to sincerely apologize.

In fact, the reason I wanted Diana to be empty is because she can only realize what she has gained thanks to Kael only when she loses everything and falls to the floor.

“Hestia, do you understand? What you really want is literally not Diana’s abdication.”

“…Yeah, it’s more fundamental.”

I had no choice but to admit it. I don’t know if I was caught up in Helios’ words or not.

Helios smiled bitterly.

“Let’s be honest. If Diana is deposed, will she immediately reflect on her mistake as you wish?”

He speaks very bitterly about his once-loved wife.

Funny thing is, I have no choice but to agree with his conclusions.

“Okay. What do you want to say?”

“It doesn’t mean your purpose will be ruined if you don’t dispose of Diana. On the contrary, abdicating does not necessarily make your wish come true.”

He sighed briefly and went on again.

“Everything doesn’t work out in a moment. Perhaps Diana’s true ‘apology’ that you want is to achieve over time with endless reflection.”

The golden eyes looked at me solemnly.

“I won’t ask you to stop your anger. But for sure, Diana and I will regret it for many years to come, and we will check ourselves from time to time not to repeat the same mistake again.”

Perhaps Helios’ way of ‘regret’ is more realistic.

Rather than regretting and forgetting about a single event, living a short life and not forgetting every moment and regretting it deeply may be more like the fundamental ‘Diana’s penitence’ I want.

“Hestia, I’m sure we’ll regret it. And for a very long time, I’ll live with the heart that I owe to Kael. No one knows which path Diana and I will take.”

Whether the female protagonist and the male protagonist continue to live together uncomfortably, or divorce and move on their separate ways.

Or isn’t it life that we can forgive each other for a long time and continue the couple’s relationship.

“You don’t have to be too disappointed that Kael stopped Diana from being deposed right now. Hestia.”

“…” 

“Trust him more than that. He’s shaking with genuine fear now.”

I jerked my head around to cover up the rising tears.

“Kael isn’t the kind of person who’s going to collapse that much.”

“No, you are more precious to Kael than you think.”

Helios said firmly, but he smiled in vain as if something was absurd.

“Shall I speak plainly? Even if Diana clung to him, he wouldn’t blink. Because you’ve already become irreplaceable as Diana.”

“Ha….”

I also opened my mouth. I can’t believe he can say so calmly that his wife is hanging on to another man. Helios’  mental state must be unique.

“Well, we’ll take care of our couple’s affairs. There’s only one thing I’d like to ask. Please don’t leave him.”

“…”

“He’s really surprised. First of all, he’s kicking himself hard.”

Tears fell out of my eyes. I tried so hard not to cry in front of Helios.

“Hestia, you are wise unlike us. You really love him.”

Helios’ tone was soft and strangely lonely.

He reached out and opened the shawl that had hung narrowly over my shoulder.

  “…please take good care of Kael.”

  His true feelings were conveyed, and eventually I nodded.

  “Yes, I’ll be by his side.”

Helios’ fingertips fell off the shawl as if there were some lingering feelings.

“Thank you, Hestia.”

He replied with a faint smile.

~~~~

I broke up from Helios and came back to my room. When I opened the door carefully, I saw my favorite sitting helplessly against the sofa.

“Kael.”

“…Hess.”

His eyes, which slowly raise his head, are red again. I guess he cried again in the meantime.

I approached him, struggling to suppress my rattling heart.

“I thought about it while I was outside.”

I leaned my head gently on his shoulder.

“The trip is a bit of a burden because there’s so much work, but I don’t think it’s a bad idea to stay in Attica for a while.”

“!”

Kaelus’ body trembled.

I put my hand on the back of his hand. Gently tucking my rough fingers between his long, thin fingers.

“You’re right. We need time to focus and care more about us, away from the capital for a while.”

To be honest, my inner conflict has not all been resolved.

However, when it is complicated in many ways, I should simplify my thoughts with the single most important topic.

The most precious thing to me in this world is, of course, Kaelus. From the moment I returned, I was determined to devote my life to Kaelus again.

No need for anything else, just think of Kaelus.

Something my favorite would be happy about.

Let me focus my life solely on him.

“I’ll just think about how you and I will be happier. I’m so sorry to have worried you.”

I added awkwardly, clasping my fingers on the back of his hand.

“And I wasn’t really going to fall to death at the time.”

For me, the meaning of “going back” is the same as “death” for him who belongs to this world, but if I don’t say it in detail, isn’t it enough?

I just don’t want Kaelus to be afraid of my absence any more. Also, I want to cleanly erase the guilt that I wanted to die from him.

Even if I don’t reveal all the truth here.

From now on, I will spend a long time with Kaelus and walk on an exciting journey to reveal each other’s secrets one by one.

“Kael, so no more… Will you smile?”

At that moment, the clasped hands slipped away and they met. A gentle but strong pull. Without resisting, he held me in his arms.

I’m really grateful for the sound that occurs when the two hearts meet.

“Hestia, I….”

The trembling voice mixed with tears again.

I guess it’s up to me to make him laugh.

“I love you, Kael.”

The only center of my life. The only purpose of my life.

My favorite that can’t be exchanged for anything, and above all, is precious.

He was once abandoned, but I will never abandon him.

“Me, too, Hess. Me, too.… I love you.”

Kaelus sobbing and confessing.

I tried to make him laugh.

I’m going to stop crying.

~~~~

The morning after we woke up in the same bed. Kaelus called the butler Uross to announce our journey to Attica.

“We’re planning to leave the capital for the time being and stay in Attica.”

“Oh…! I see, my lord.”

Uross looked very relieved. For a few days, Kaelus and I looked scruffy, and they worried out of sight.

Attica was located in the northern part of the empire, far from the capital. It wasn’t half a day’s walk like Illion.

I wrote a long letter to Countess Erinnis as the men of the mansion busily began to prepare for the trip.

“The abdication of the crown princess failed, but she almost lost her strength anyway. I think my and your efforts have paid off…”

 I emphasized that our efforts so far have not been in vain. And I consoled the hard work I had done. Even if I don’t make a commitment to check on Diana, she’ll do well on her own.

“And… I decided to spend more time with my husband. I will stay at Attica estate for a while. I’ll say hello from time to time.”

I finished writing the letter. Somehow I feel a bittersweet.

Before and after the return, it seems that the first act of life in this world is finally over.

I’ve just finished the first chapter that I ran without hesitation in revenge for Kaelus’ death, and now I start a new chapter 2 of myself and the person I love the most.

“Ha….”

Excitement, anticipation, and a little fear of the future.

It’s a lie if I say I don’t have any worries about how much I would like the pure self I am without foresight or anything.

However, we have to overcome this with trust and affection.

You should love each other completely by your existence, not by your ability or condition.

This is what true love is.


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29 thoughts on “FMDF – Chapter 32”

  1. I felt physical pain reading this chapter. I hope we get a short story about the conversation between Kael and Helios.

  2. No negaré que fue una completa desilusión que al final perdonaran a la idiota de diana… (Todo lo que hizo hess fue por nada) Me molesta absolutamente mucho… Pero, pues ya que se puede hacer.
    Gracias por el capítulo!

    1. This chapter makes me effing empty… Ugh. Like daaang. Like you want to cry but there’s no tears falling . Like it’s too painful ugh. I can’t express my feelings

  3. Thank you for the translation and sharing with us! I think the translation got better from the previous few chapters.

    Anyway, this is going to be a long rant.

    I kinda hate Kaelus in this chapter and I obviously hate Helios for making Kaelus, again, help to clear up the mess that royal family made. I hate it even more because I know it’s the best choice for the empire. I swear Dumb Diana just ruined everything and expect everyone to love her unconditionally. Talk about being imbecile.

    I know Hestia has been overdoing it since the Temple Accusation, but seriously Kaelus? Seriously? Couldn’t you tell her that the fox crown prince ‘asked’ you to go against the dethronement? Why the hell did you have to make Hestia go through that terrible thought again? Why do you have to make her thing that whatever she does it is useless? Why did you make her want to ‘quit’? Everyone can do that but NOT Kaelus. NOT you.

    I wish Hestia can just go away from this stupid empire and let the main character and Kaelus deal with their damn problematic life. I wish she could disappear for just a few days and let Kaelus think he be won’t be able to see her again. Ever.

    Sigh,

    Okay I know this novel emphasize a few times that you’ll have to pay the price for your action. I guess Hestia is paying the price of overdoing her revenge for Dumb Diana to apologize. But I hate to see her like that; unwilling to live. It gave me terrible feeling.

    Now I’d like to see how Kaelus gonna make up for this. Because I have a feeling he won’t be able to! Damn Kaelus I am so mad at you, you better treat her right in all the upcoming chapters!

    1. I’ll be quite honest with you, up until this chapter, I love Kael. But after this chapter I started to hate him and wanted Hestia to go back to Korea to be happy.

    2. you put the right words on effing mouth! i loathe kael and i actually felt the indescribable feeling Hes felt. It feels so empty and you can’t do anything bec it’s wish from your beloved. I strangely felt something is wrong from the time he fucked Hes rashly after a conversation with Diana. I expected that much but I didn’t realise he’s feeling is still so fucked up.

      I feel Kael is still so much in love with Diana, regardless how Hes convince herself she doesnt long Kael’s love – it felt like trying to trick yourself into believing that is not the case but still making effort to convince yourself everyday.

    3. All of this. I expect better from Kaelus, and he really blew it. He’s moving according to the way his character was created, but it should be different since Hestia has shown him a new path.

  4. Ughhhh i hate it as much as the others here… But i gotta admit that this is the most realistic outcome. He’s not only a man in love, but also a man with a duty. As someone who also balances duties with relationships, i can’t even condemn Kael because that’s what’s best for his duty to maintain peace within the empire. BUT THIS DOES NOT STOP ME FROM CRYING FUDGGGEEEEEEEE
    Even without Hestia’s identity crisis, this situation itself is already so sad… 😭😭😭😭😭

  5. Estoy de acuerdo contigo. Si se supone que debí sentir ternura o algo así, solo termine sintiendo frustración, una enorme frustración que por momentos era enfado, tristeza y decepción.

  6. Yeah, apparently I’m the exception that liked the forwarding of this, isn’t it? lol
    But I really like and enjoy it. When Kael once told Hestia that they were the same, even as she tried so hard to deny that reality, I knew he was right. And that chapter tied together perfectly.
    Really, it’s not because you dedicate yourself to a person out of devotion and believe that you don’t want anything in return, just the happiness of the other person, that it means to be true. Especially when it comes to the extent of dedication, of your life being someone else, it can hit you back by realizing what you really want and trying to ignore, in a more unrealistic and altruistic way.
    In trying a more altruistic reason, when you’re still not well, you’re still lost, and you see little meaning in life itself. Hestia, ironically, is putting mission on top of mission, with Kael’s happiness as a goal, because then she doesn’t have to deal with herself. Always being a secondary character in life itself, not the main one. For her, she sees herself as a prop for Kael, for a dramatic and theatrical ending to the novel, one that was never very realistic and even with that ending, she didn’t see herself as a part of it.
    It’s an ending “for Kael”, but it’s not an ending he wanted in the first place. Revenge isn’t something Kael does, especially thinking about himself. He does more for others. He puts so many others above him, like at the beginning case with Diana, then becomes self-destructive. He loses self-preservation and with that he is left in that state. Hestia is the same.

    She even thinks “but I was just thinking about that, because I would go back to my world, it’s not that I want to commit suicide like Kael”, while thinking about jumping straight to death, knowing there’s no guarantee of returning to her world, no guarantee that there she still alive, and it’s a world she doesn’t miss. It’s just that Hestia has little motivation to live and self-preservation.
    Kael will prioritize the peace of the empire, which he is a part of. Now what he feels for Diana is great indifference. The opposite feeling to love is not hate, it is indifference. What makes him happy is not Diana and Helio paying, and between us, they already paid a good part, they were already paying in the original path. Not only was their union not built solidly, with Kael getting their hands dirty for it, but the empire too. It’s a long process, and for Diana to realize that the black and white morals she grew up believing are hypocritical takes even longer Hestia died earlier in the first one, but even in that life she saw their deterioration, just not complete, because the process is long. She sped up the process a little here, but it was going to happen anyway.

    Hestia wants them to apologize and realize things now, because that’s what ideally should happen in a romance, as she has an extreme difficulty seeing them as people in the first place. That’s why she had and has so much difficulty being with Kael, she puts him on a pedestal and wants to take revenge on his behalf, but what he wants is just to be happy next to her, to have A LIFE next to her. A life she doesn’t see herself capable of giving, she doesn’t see herself as part of the world, always waiting for her own death instead of living in the present.
    And those behaviors of hers that naturally hurt and panic Kael more than anything else, he doesn’t give a shit about Diana, he acted like a duke, but mostly like a doting husband would react; a man who thinks “screw my ‘ex’, let’s focus on us and move on, let’s be happy together, life is too short to waste”. Kael is all the time saying he wants to move on with Hess, and she couldn’t see herself being there.
    That’s why she needed that, see . And I like.

    1. Honestly, I was really unhappy with how this went but you put all my thoughts into words. It’s exactly as you said it, even if we’re and Hestia aren’t happy with how the events unfolded.

  7. not gonna lie, I kinda don’t like kael and helios here. more so I hated the fact that helios went to her and said “you don’t want her to be deposed you just wanted her to regret.” and I was like” bitcht he fuck how will she regret if she’s not punished for the mistakes she has made? losing her privilege is part of that???”

    like if I was Hestia I would have spat that in his face. #noregrets

    I hate it im sorry im so disappointed in these two fucking leads. girl I hope u actually just went back to Korea. that’s fucking HEARTBREAKING. also kael. “I dont want to focus on them just us” … mate … mate … this doesn’t seem very smart of you???????? grovel to her until the end of time ur so lucky you’re her bias

    1. Thank you! I really hated Helios presuming he knew what she really wanted. He just really didn’t want to feel guilt for almost ruining their marriage.

  8. I absolutely agree with everyone here. This chapter was tough to get through especially the part where Kael was very rough with Hestia; that was uncomfortable to read. Even more so when she was convincing herself that it was ok because it was Kael.

    I was extremely disappointed with Kael in this chapter & Helios just never ceases to be annoying. Even till the end he protects Diana & cleans up after her. I suppose I find it sad that he had to ask Kael to save them.

    As a reader who has been quite invested in this, I do want Diana’s downfall like Hestia, but at the same time maybe them stepping away from everything would do them some good. I feel that both Kael & Hestia also need to work on themselves. Hestia’s thoughts in this chapter was alarming & Kael nearly relapsing because he’s afraid to lose her shows it.

    All in all this chapter was a rollercoaster & I’m still trying to process it all.

    Thank you so much for translating this novel!! 🤗❤️

  9. Going through binging this, I applaud the writing of this chapter specifically on how well done they’ve hit the mark on conveying Reader’s bias.

    Like Hestia, everyone felt the dissatisfaction of her revenge not reaching climax and immediate hate towards Kael for not reacting how they wont. In a sense, we all became Hestia, proving the writer correct on their call out of how Hestia unabashedly still views everything as a novel and people as characters. The hate on Kael is a deep reaction from a reader who is frustrated he’d even react and make a decision out of duty when, in reality, that’s very human of him. To just stop being spiteful towards people that wrong him and just want to move on and give being happy with someone else a chance.

    And honestly, the fact he didn’t mention that the prince asked him to is part his and part Hess’ just accepting it. If she’d asked why, he’d explain, but at the same time he should’ve questioned why she’s so accepting of it immediately. But that also proves how Hestia still has yet to really invest herself in the novel as a reality she wants to live in.

    This is by all means my favorite chapter. It shows the most raw parts of being human from Hestia for once instead of outsider indifference as well as highlights how human Helios and Kael really are to the point that people got so frustrated with it due to Reader’s bias. This is amazing writing.

  10. Wow, this chapter really hit me in the head. I’m not angry about the way Kael reacted or the fact that he saved Helios and Diana once again. The main issue that I had was that Hestia was having an identity crisis and before she even had the chance to come to terms with it, she was told that her beloved favorite didn’t want revenge. That’s very reasonable if you’re considering the type of person Kael is. I am troubled about the way that Hestia still doesn’t feel the void in her is filled.

    Actually, at first, I was irritated at the way that Kael kept on having so many serious emotions for Diana even though Diana never did anything in particular for him to fall for her, but I guess that’s one of the main keys of the Novel plot.

    In originality I didn’t care about Kael, I just wanted Hestia to be happy and I was really looking forward to her backstory. But we didn’t get that. Although I still feel complicated feelings about the way things flowed in these chapters, especially went Kael was treating Hestia so rough in the previous chapter, I’ll just focus on their relationship and I hope they continue to have some beautiful moments.

  11. I feel disappointed and frustrated, the problem wouldn’t be this big if he (Kaelus) told hestia why he helped Helios. if i were hestia, someone who knows how much in love he is with diana, would be in disbelief about kaelus’ feelings for me. Besides that, the explanation that Kaelus gave to Hestia was about Diana, which he had forgiven, not about the state of the kingdom. And in the end, it was Helios who made Hestia realize what she wanted. how can i hate helios? Then, why did Hestia have to apologize to Kaelus, when Kaelus was the one who failed the plan, even though he had offered himself.

    Although, thanks to this hestia has identity crisis and accepted that it is her reality now.

    I just wish, kaelus would show his love for hestia not only by sweet talk, but also his action and not running away from problem by crying or going far away. Also, he only shoved his opinion without asking hestia, even though it is hestia plan in the first place.

  12. so much divide in opinion lol but i’ll still give my opinion XD

    i don’t think there’s anything wrong with kael’s decision. ik helios told him to stay neutral and then oppose to diana’s dethronement but i dont think he actually did it for helios. not for diana either. i feel like he already knew that the only purpose of hestia is make them regret. he knew despite her unconditional love to him she didn’t have any will to live. he wasn’t exactly wrong, even tho her goal was to return to her og world, in another word it meant her dying in this world. i think many of us failed to notice hestia’s unchanging mindset of not seeing their world anything more than novel. she loves kael but she loves him as a character and nothing more. her drive to push diana into despair is also because she wants an satisfactory ending for her character, like novel. after getting the ending she’d still be like this, wanting to return to her og world and not continue to live in a novel.

    everyone’s frustration is understandable because we’re reading this from hestia’s pov but kael’s anxiety is justified. he didn’t want to go with hestia’s plan because he instinctively realize that hestia’s motivation to live will end with her plans. he wanted something to drag her mind out of it. not to mention, hestia never agreed to become true couple with him, she never gave him an answer. it was him who kept taking steps forward and hestia just went along with him. before this chapter she never even told him she loved him. yes it’s visible from her actions but remember when kael had a conversation with her about her actions reminding kael of past him? yeah that’s why he knew the ending of her affections. the difference is, unlike him who would have just been satisfied with watching diana from distance had she not disrespected his feelings and accused him like that, hestia who didn’t want anything from him would’ve resigned her life as soon as her goal was accomplished.

    kael just wanted hestia to remain by his side, to not die. he didn’t want hestia to think of an ending. because their world is novel to hestia but real place to kael

    1. I completely agree, I don’t blame Kael at all because honestly this was an inevitable reaction from Hestia. Hestia has reiterated countless times that this is just a novel to her and ultimately a means to an end, she believes if she saves Kael, gets revenge for him, and writes the end of his story as the “second author” she’ll somehow be transported home. She’s been using Kael and revenge as a coping mechanism, a way to stay busy as not to face her true problem, her transmigration. I think with her “falling asleep”, we as the audience can assume she probably died in her sleep, and that it is too hard for her to come to terms with the fact that her “real” world is unattainable now and she can’t go back. It’s probably even more frustrating for her because this world she’s in isn’t bad and someone she cares for exists here, if she acknowledges that this world is also a reality she would have to face her “real self’s” death and the fact that she’ll probably never get back to modern times. Kael probably senses this and is trying to give her more than revenge which is why he accepts Helios’ proposal, we have been shown that Kael is willing to destroy Diana for Hestia so the only reason for him to listen, other than his duty as a subject, would be Hestia’s concerning mindset. As stated above Hestia is only going along with Kael’s wish for a relationship, she hasn’t truly agreed, she even says she can give him to Diana if he wants,she’s the outsider. Kael as intuitive as he is feels this gap and is doing everything to close it whether it’s through possessing her body or her mind. I think that’s why he was so forceful after Diana’s apology, not because Diana shook him or he still has love for her but because an apology is the end of Hestia’s plan. Hestia’s plan ending is finality for their relationship and he wanted to “possess” her and stop her from running, dying, disappearing,who knows what he thought might happen afterwards. Hopefully Hestia and Kael can talk it out and work through her problems on their getaway instead of just ignoring it, as I believe they truly do love each other.

  13. Lets be honest. MC is a wandering soul. She has so much resentment. Her only goal in life, as a wandering resentment soul, is for every character that made ML suic-de feel empty and down the hill.

    If this was a feng shui or cultivation novel. Once she lost her goal she might accumulate more resentment. Or once she completed her goal she will reincarnate.

    Hehe, what will ML do if this was a ghost or cultivation novel.

  14. I felt the same I think he is still not over with Diana somewhere he has some feelings for her
    And his feelings towards Hess seems to be kind of gratitude ….from the start he did not initiate any kind apology/ revenge against both Helios and Diana it was Hess who wanted all this it just that over the period of time his love for Diana seemingly decreased
    But still novel gave us justified point for his move of not promoting disposal of Diana

  15. Well, this chapter was a rollercoaster. I’ve seen all the comments and I totally understand why people are mad at Kael but at the same time I don’t agree. Because we are reading this in Hestia’s pov, we see all characters like fictional people, exactly like Hestia sees them, but the thing is that for them it’s not, it’s their real world, and it’s Kael’s world too. For him, Hestia is a person and his goal is to have a good life next to her, unlike Hestia, that only loves him as a character and not as a partner. As she stated before, she loves him but does not wish to be loved by him, and as we can see, her response to Kael’s request to be a real couple is still very vague. I think that Kael still loves Diana deep down and his feelings for Hestia are in a gratitude level for saving his life. I don’t doubt he really loves her but I don’t think she’s ready to accept this as her life. Because basically what is going on is that she was forced to leave her world, her friends, her family, everything and she doesn’t have a clue on how to go back. Personally I believe she died, but the point is that she’s stuck in a world where her only goal was to make the people that hurt her fav pay and regret, she didn’t want a life there nor a romantic relationship. But the reaction we see from Kael is understandable since he is a human, their are all humans in this world, but Hestia doesn’t see them like that nor do we. His feelings and reactions are totally human since that is his reality and his world. I sincerely hope Hestia gets her existential crisis resolved and manege to be happy there and accept that it’s her world now or goes back home, where everything is real to her. Poor baby, ily Hestia <3

  16. Ok, first of all, this chapter is heartbreaking. If I were Hestia, I still have a valid reason to be angry at Kaelus, if he want to stop the revenge after the downfall of the temple, he could have informed Hestia earlier on instead of bringing it up on his wife who is happier than ever, it’s like ruining her efforts and the hope to finally achieve what she was longing for. I know that Kaelus is a justified man but not informing Hestia about his plan with Helios was unacceptable.

    Second of all, Prince Helios is getting on my nerves, why used the guy who never wants to get entangled with your life? As the Husband, you should take responsibility for that with your narcissist of a wife. Why does Kaelus need to help out with everything you can handle? He should have taken this as a challenge. You should never tell what the other part really wanted because you don’t entirely know them, stop acting like you know everything.

    I understand Hestia’s anger and realization, but that was her goal, to begin with. But also focusing on each other is needed. But I just wish she has never forgiven him easily, it felt like the one you trusted the most stabbed you in the back and it’s hard to move on from that because of love. It felt like Hestia was Kaelus and Kaelus was Diana. I’m sorry but this is how I see it. The difference is that Kaelus really cared for Hestia

    I hate it but I love this chapter at the same time, I just don’t like how it resolve easily by Helios [who shouldn’t have butt in] acting like he knew Hestia like the back of his hand. The best revenge was to move on but the fact that it seems like Hestia was one in the wrong. You should have not encouraged her to continue then
    , she has a deep hatred and they should have let her realize that. Hestia for me is like a girl who was blinded by Hatred and I just hope someone snaps her out of it. But not break her heart like this. And I hope for Kaelus to stop making himself a tool for his stupid excuse of a prince.

  17. I agree with everyone here… And the fact that kael fuck hestia harshly after he met diana, it’s like he convinced himself that he loves hestia now and over with diana. Why the hell he need to convinced himself if he really already over with his own feeling? A-side from helios begging, I do believe that kael still has lingering feeling for diana at least till this chapter. And hestia convinced herself because it was kael who did that, really frustrating.

  18. I know people hate it: but I agree with Helios. Her falling back to a commonor is great as a punishment- but her suffering in the castle is still prettttty good.

    Helios doesn’t even like her, but he’s more concerned about country stability.

    She’s a princess with no power- she can’t even plan a party.

    She can’t file for divorce because shes talentless.

    She’s been shunned by the church, so she can’t seek shelter there.

    The aristocrats hate her, so no one will help her.

    She even passed off the commoners, so she’s really go no options.

    Even if she wants to leave- she can’t. And SHE has to keep actively making the choice to stay crown princess in a gilded cage, miserable in a loveless marriage hated by everyone around you.

    I think that’s a pretty good hell

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