“Continue.” Bian Shengjian took a deep breath.
“Thirteen years ago, I was sixteen.” Lu Shen’s voice was a bit obscure, and it might have been hoarse because of the pain. “At that time, I….I was rather rebellious, so I got into a fight with my mother one morning when I was on the phone.”
Bian Shengjian looked at him in silence for a while, “Was that how you were back then?”
“Mn.” Lu Shen didn’t look at him. He coughed a few times before he continued with some difficulty, “As a result, my mother had a heart attack after the quarrel that morning. My dad just came back from a business trip and beat me up when he got the news. Immediately after a meal, he drove the whole family back to his hometown, but there was a car accident on the way. “
“At that time, the car just drove to the bridge, but my dad was too tired at that time, and refused to stop for a rest after driving for ten hours…Then the car lost control and hit a school bus, and finally the two cars overturned into the river together.” At this point, Lu Shen’s tone calmed down, but there was no light in those dark pupils, “Then, I died.”
“That’s how things went.” Lu Shen said softly.
Bian Shengjian watched him for a long time without saying a word, and it took a long time before he let out a sigh of relief, “Accordingly…the sophomores of class eight should be sitting on that school bus.”
“Mn, there were 56 people in that bus,” Lu Shen lowered his eyes, “and they all died.”
“The scar on your shoulder is probably from that car accident.” Bian Shengjian’s hands trembled slightly.
“Yeah.” Lu Shen reluctantly pulled the corners of his lips, “The story is over, how do you feel now?”
“Why didn’t you tell me before?” Bian Shengjian asked.
“Because I was afraid.” Lu Shen kept looking at him, and finally a broken expression appeared on his face, “…It’s all my fault, I killed them all.”
“You……” Bian Shengjian was a little speechless, he had been longing for Lu Shen to tell him the truth, but when the truth finally came, he was overwhelmed that he could barely breathe.
That’s 56, living humans.
But at this moment, he really couldn’t say anything like “It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault”. Although this was indeed an accident, in the final analysis, the origin of the matter did come from Lu Shen, from the rebellious youth of that year.
He also finally understood what Lu Shen said: It’s not that I don’t believe in you, but I don’t believe that you can change everything.
Death was an important node that shouldn’t be crossed.
“It would have been better if we hadn’t quarreled at the beginning.” Lu Shen suddenly reached out and grabbed his hair roots, his body began to twitch morbidly, “This way I won’t die, and they won’t die either. Everyone will not die……”
“Lu Shen.” Bian Shengjian finally reached out and hugged him, “Calm down, this has already happened.”
The cruelest words in this world were “if only” along with “I knew”.
“I killed them,” Lu Shen choked up, “but I can’t do anything, I can’t go back to my own past, I can only continue to live in this world like a walking dead…I owe them all this, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry…”
“Lu Shen.” Bian Shengjian hugged him tightly, as if only in this way could he feel his pain more personally, “Just say it, just say it. It’s okay.”
“I’m scared, I’m really scared.” Lu Shen wrapped his limbs tightly around him, as if it was a good choice to melt Bian Shengjian into his arms, “I killed them…….I’m afraid I’ll kill you too…….I really only have you left………sorry, I’m sorry……….”
Hearing Lu Shen’s almost incoherent words, Bian Shengjian himself was so heartbroken that he could hardly breathe, but he was more powerless and flustered, “Shh…it’s over, it’s all over.”
He could only comfort him in this way.
The two of them didn’t speak any more, they just hugged each other for a long time silently, but Bian Shengjian knew that Lu Shen had been crying all the time, and when they parted, the warm tears had smeared two faint balls of water stains on the fabric of his chest, even he himself couldn’t help but have red eyes, however he didn’t cry.
At such times, there must be someone who is strong. It would be too embarrassing if two big men hugged each other and cried bitterly.
“I’ll go wash my face.” Lu Shen said hoarsely after a long time.
“En.” Bian Shengjian pressed his hands on his eyes.
“Help me over there,” Lu Shen said again, “my legs are a little weak.”
“Huh?” Bian Shengjian opened his eyes and looked at him. It was only at this moment that he suddenly noticed that the crumpled bed sheets under the two of them were covered with specks of bloodstains. It was a tragic scene after the incident.
“Let me see.” Bian Shengjian pursed his lips and grabbed his arm, checked Lu Shen’s condition forcibly and frowned, “No, you have to go to the hospital.”
“No need.” Lu Shen licked the bitten corner of his lips, and shook his head, “My physique is different from yours…just sleep it off.”
Bian Shengjian held on to his arm, “No, let’s go now.”
“Third brother.” Lu Shen sighed softly, “I’m too tired to walk.”
Bian Shengjian looked at him for a long time, and sincerely began to regret all the rough actions he had done to Lu Shen just now on impulse, but combined with what he said before, he still couldn’t help getting angry, “Now that we’re talking, it’s time for me to say my piece, right?”
“What do you want to say?” Lu Shen looked up at him.
“I don’t care what happened to you in the past, I am the one who is with you now,” Bian Shengjian said, “Since you can’t change the past, why don’t you try believing in me? Must I use this method to get you to speak?”
“Don’t push me out anymore.” Bian Shengjian looked at him, “I don’t want you to protect me in this way, because I’m your boyfriend, so no matter what happens, I want to bear it with you, rather than you alone carrying everything, do you understand?”
Lu Shen also looked at him, and nodded softly after a long time.
“So before you speak or do something, can you consider my feelings a little bit?” Bian Shengjian tried hard to control his emotions, and not let his voice fluctuate too much, “You are like this every time, no matter what happens, you are determined to go your own way, and when encountering a hurdle that is really impossible to overcome, you only want to escape, are you a fucking coward?”
“I……” Lu Shen was about to speak when he was interrupted by Bian Shengjian, “You don’t need to explain, this is the truth.”
“I’m sorry.” Lu Shen’s eyes were very dark.
“If you apologize again, I’ll tear your mouth apart,” Bian Shengjian pointed at him, “I don’t want you to apologize, I want you to truly realize your own mistakes.”
“…I shouldn’t have kept everything from you. ” Lu Shen said in silence.
“What else?” Bian Shengjian asked.
“I shouldn’t have…..tried to break up with you.” Lu Shen said these words with some difficulty, and his eyes were a little afraid to look at him, “….I shouldn’t have chosen to avoid the problems.”
Bian Shengjian took a deep breath, and when Lu Shen said these two sentences, the circles of his eyes were still red with desperation, “It’s good that you fucking know! I don’t care what happened to you in the past, but since the past can’t be changed, I can only accompany you to solve the problem a little bit! Whether it’s haunting or the resentful spirits, can’t I bear it? Why do you let me go through these ghost things and say that you want to break up casually? Ah! Do you think ordinary people’s tolerance is really that strong!”
“I was wrong,” Lu Shen sniffed hard, and was almost at a loss, “Third brother, I was really wrong, don’t be angry.”
“Why shouldn’t I be angry!” Bian Shengjian roared, “I’ve fucking endured you for a long time, you know!”
“Didn’t you promise to spend your lifetime with me? Why don’t you keep what you say!” Bian Shengjian stared at him and then shouted, with a broken voice, “Speak!”
“I…but I may not be able to accompany you forever.” Lu Shen put his arms around his waist, buried his face in his stomach, and said with a slight vibration in his voice, “But I promise, as long as I still exist in this world for one day…..As long as you don’t drive me away, I won’t leave, okay?”
“You’d better do what you say.”
Bian Shengjian said in a hoarse voice, “Otherwise, if I die, I will become a resentful spirit and chase you to the ends of the earth.”
“Okay.” Lu Shen rubbed his stomach, feeling sad but happy, “I promise.”
“Come here, I’ll take you to take a bath.” Bian Shengjian sighed.
After finally coming out of the bathroom dripping with water, Shengjian called the front desk of the hotel, compensated the cleaning fee and replaced it with a new set of quilts. Although the cleaning aunt had a strange expression on her face when she came to help them change and wash, Bian Shengjian didn’t care about it, he tidied up hastily and hugged Lu Shen to bed, even his movements were cautious, “Does it still hurt?”
“It’s okay.” Lu Shen comforted him.
“Go to sleep first, and I’ll take you to the hospital after you wake up.” Bian Shengjian didn’t say anything, stood up and turned off the light in the room.
The darkness shrouded them, and only their shallow breathing lingered in the ears.
“Good night.” Lu Shen said.
“Hm, good night.” Bian Shengjian responded and leaned against him, “Go to sleep.”
Probably because he was really tired, Lu Shen closed his eyes after saying that, and soon fell into a deep sleep.
Bian Shengjian listened to his gradually long breathing, but couldn’t fall asleep. It took a long time to turn over gently and then look at Lu Shen’s face under the faint moonlight. Looking at the wound on his face, he wanted to reach out and touch it, but was afraid of waking the person up. After a long time of entanglement, he eventually withdrew his hand.
“How long can you stay with me?” Bian Shengjian said softly, but Lu Shen didn’t hear it because he was too deep in his sleep.
He suddenly remembered two sentences he had read in a book a long time ago:
‘It is very simple to be strong and destroy a person, that is to let him know what love is.’
‘But loving someone can really make people suffer so much and be in utter despair.’
It is completely unimaginable, for this idiot in front of him to not be able to be by his side in the future.
Bian Shengjian closed his eyes.