Chapter 14: Kitten Game Part 3
Translator: MadHatter Editor: MadHatter
For instance, the only person who can say terrible things or do painful things to you is me, and I can’t suppress it because you are my special partner. Those feelings are exactly the same for me, and I can understand and sympathize with them.
I suppose that somehow, somewhere, I had let my guard down. Since I was being treated so well, I thought that there must be a reason why it had to be me.
Indeed, there must exist a reason why it had to be me. However, I had misread it. That person was not obsessed with the person that I am, but with the element that I was. He was under the illusion that he was being loved in a false sense.
It didn’t matter if it was a dream, an illusion, a delusion, or a falsehood. He could have deceived me for the rest of my life, but why did I notice it? Why did you let me notice it?
It was a sudden, tremendous outburst of emotion. Looking back on it now, I realize that it was due to his youth and immaturity and that our relationship might have been different if we had met when he was a little more mature. To understand that person’s complex and despicable feelings beforehand―I was likewise still too young.
I questioned whether Milord had never gone through anything similar. Whether he has experienced violence or affection?
Was it the case that all of my previous masters were somehow adults? Even the initial pedophile seemed to be saying that he would wait until I was a bit older since I was too small.
Elias treated me as if I were a part of him, yet perceived me as a stranger who never inflicted suffering on him. He was unable to create clear boundaries between himself and others or develop respectful relationships with them. In retrospect, he was truly a perfectly average kid who had never experienced love.
He did not know how to love because he was not loved. Without an adult to take care of him, he was unable to express himself properly. Since he couldn’t speak up, he didn’t know how to show his emotions.
Although we may observe those around us and imitate their actions—laughing when they are pleased, sobbing when they are sad, and getting furious when they are upset—we cannot clearly grasp the essence of what they are feeling. Like there is a black mass smoldering in my gut, and something is definitely wavering in it but I can’t express it in words, and when I do, it comes out as violent and excessive.
When a small child falls down, the mother comes running and says, “That must have hurt,” and does her best to take care of the child… In general, isn’t that the way it is? We didn’t have that. So we don’t really grasp the meaning of pain. We are then free to treat others however cruelly we choose.
Haha. I have gotten a little analytical, huh? It is a remnant from when I was abandoned. I was in disbelief when you, Milord, told me that I no longer belonged to you, and while I was wondering if this was a joke or a new kind of torture, my collar was removed and my whole cage was sold off. I pondered a lot of things.
Why? Why is it? What had gone wrong? What was going on?
Day and night, asleep and awake, I mulled these thoughts over and over. Neither food nor water would pass my throat, and I rebelled for three days and three nights, and that was when I finally recognized how inadequate I felt.
…Yes. Even though I’ve gone through a lot, it was at that moment that I completely understood how I really felt. Until then, I did not know exactly what I was or what I was feeling. I had no way to verbalize it, so I simply acted as I wanted to.
I was too close to that person, and it was like being one with him day in and day out, and yet I was forced to be pulled away, and I had to sort out my relationship with that person again.
For Elias, the only significant thing was whether he was weak or not. He wished for an existence that was fragile like a rug on the floor, but one that would never hurt him, never go beyond him, and would only be trodden on. And yet, it would have been great if he had a single-minded love for me.
I may not have succeeded in playing the role of a… rug.
It was really a deep unacknowledged desire of mine.
But surely, I did something I shouldn’t have done at that time.
Yes, I sought it out on my own. Because I love him, I had no choice, right?
But from Elias’ point of view, he didn’t need that, and it was an action that made him feel threatened. It is precisely because I did nothing and could do nothing that I felt safe enough to allow myself the freedom of indulging as much as I wanted, but once I became aware that my life was one in which I could feel something and do something…
That person was really a vulnerable human being. That was why he abandoned me. Because he was a foolish, pathetic, helpless man who could not even forgive himself for his own weakness.
…Should I end this grudge talk now and return to my recollections? Haha. After all, this was the most shocking part of my life, and there is no way I can end it. I could go on forever.
To stop this whirlwind of my words, all I need is for him to say from the bottom of his heart, “I love you.”
But that is impossible. I can’t have it. Because Elias does not love me. He is the type of man who, while mounting anything weaker than himself, grabs it by the neck and rips it to pieces; only then, when he believes it is entirely powerless to resist, can he clumsily stroke it with a sense of comfort. I, such a mass of self-assertion and power, am not seen as such a subject―
Ah, this is agonizing. Why am I not allowed to just meet, fall in love, and bond normally? I do understand. I am abnormal. I am clearly overdoing it. Yet I can’t stop it. My heart, my whole body, has been screaming for him ever since that moment.
Please stick by my side, Elias. I feel at peace with the truth when you are next to me, but only for a split second before I glance at you and blink.
I don’t want to dwell on the events that have occurred since Milord left me. As I recall, it was a man, a subordinate or a vassal of yours, well, a little less prestigious – but we hardly ever interacted, so there was nothing left to tell at all.
Regardless, I was so devastated that I was powerless to react, and for a while I actually did appear to be dead, which led to the mistaken belief that I was a corpse. I was laying still in solitary confinement with my eyes closed when someone arrived to take me somewhere. It seemed that they wanted to bury me because I was dead.
They dumped me in a hole and covered me with dirt after stuffing me inside a hemp bag. The sound of jabbing sound of digging in the soil still lingers in many of my ears. My body was gradually becoming suffocating and immobile.
…Oh, you didn’t think I could escape, did you! I told you, I was so discouraged that I couldn’t say anything, and I was stretched out like a dead person. I lacked the willpower and the strength to manage my own escape.
All I could think was that I was going to die like this. But I felt that it was okay. The meaning of my life, my being with you, had been denied to me, and I had become so despondent that I didn’t care about anything else. I was incapable of resisting. Because if I would never see you again, it would be the same whether I lived or died.
I may have been thinking along these lines when I abruptly heard a beast roaring in the shadows. Was it similar to the howling of a dog? I had a vague suspicion that something—wild dogs perhaps—was on its way to hunt for corpses.
Then, I wondered if the person who was assigned to dispose of my corpse had the same thought and got scared. During the process of handling the body, I could almost see my body and it wasn’t in a very proper state of burial, but they left me there and ran away.
Right, I did feel a little uncomfortable at this point. If he had been injured, I would have understood, but he was simply weak. The smell was not that strong, and the voice approaching me did not make me wonder why it was aiming at me.
What awaited me was an unexpected party. They were beasts but not beasts. To put it plainly, they were my kin.
After waking up in an unfamiliar hut, I found myself in the presence of several adult beasts, who were taking good care of me. Since I was really dying at one point, I was so disoriented that I forgot everything momentarily and – well, let’s just say – my hunger got the better of me. It was nothing more than a piece of bread, but when I took something warmed with a drink, my body clung to it and appealed to my waning heart.
I did not want to die. I wanted to live.
Despite my belief that nothing mattered, it appeared that the minute I became conscious of physiological processes like hunger, I immediately lost the impulse to commit myself, just like any other living thing.
As I looked around, there were several beasts, and among them, a small, yet strangely eye-catching fox species took the lead and kneeled down while addressing me.
Please, Princess, return once more to your homeland. Your father is already deceased, and the Queen’s behavior is unbecoming. She even killed her own son, the previous king, just the other day, and her brutal actions have caused the nation and its citizens to continue to deteriorate. Princess, we have been looking for you and have now successfully managed to save you from human hands. Please lend us your strength. Please say that you forgive us. So that we can protect you and die for you.
In the kingdom of the beast, I was a pitiful princess, and it seemed that there were others who had been seeking me and waiting for a chance to locate me. And that old hag, as expected, was up to something, wasn’t she?
Although I didn’t really care about my hometown, I had an idea at that moment.
My stepmother, the Queen, had seized, ruined, and violated whatever she desired with her own face and with her own possessions. She was covered in gold, silver, and treasures. We had parted when I was very young, but her figure suddenly came to mind, and I was struck by a flash of inspiration.
Ah, yes. If I could reach that position, I would gain more power. Furthermore, I had the right and the opportunity. I was a stray abandoned by Milord. Wherever I go, it made no difference. In that case, I thought it would be better for me to pander to them here.
No, I’ll admit it right now. It was a straightforward but foolish assumption: wouldn’t I be able to see Milord if I was king?
My life was completely cast aside, and I didn’t care if I died. But if I was picked up in this way, it would be regrettable regardless of how I felt. Besides, if I died, I would never see you again, would I? I just thought of one thing, Elias: I wanted to see you again. All I wished for was that.
Therefore, I looked around at those who were hanging down their heads and laughed at them.
“I don’t like your attitude. Aren’t you being arrogant? Aren’t you implying that all I have to do is sit on the throne and grin? To be a decorated king. What makes me different from my father?”
Even now, when I think back on their absurd looks, I still chuckle. Come to think of it, I have been playing the role of the simpleton girl all this time. They must have been taken aback when I suddenly started talking.
“You know what? It is not up to you to establish me. I am going to lead you. Do you understand? You are under me, and I am above you. Please be aware of this. Be at ease. I’ll make sure to remove that swine off her throne once I get back. Her days are running out. She has sunk a bit too low.”
Was it appropriate for someone with nothing to contribute to say anything so irreverent? These were the kind of people who wanted to rebel against the Queen. If the main culprit was willing to go along with it, how could they not like it?
Furthermore, unless they were a priest, nobody needed to be a great man of humility. High-ranking individuals are fine with being domineering. Beast, in particular, favors strong individuals. The people were a little taken aback, but when I showed them my intentions, they pledged their vassalage once again.
…It was then that I finally remembered my name when they called me.
Bastito. Yes, my name is Bastito, God of Blessing and War.
The days of being a kitten are over. And so I commenced overrunning the kingdom.