Chapter 13: Kitten Game Part 2
Translator: MadHatter Editor: MadHatter
I wonder how can I describe the impact I felt the moment I saw him for the first time.
My head was struck by a thunderbolt, my body was shattered into a thousand pieces by the turbulent waves that came crashing in, and my heart was extinguished by a ferocious fire.
Is falling in love a gradual process that develops over time as two people get to know one another?
In my case, it came out of the blue. It was like a burst of explosives that spread quickly and still devastated me from the inside out.
It was love at first sight.
I had never laid my eyes on such a beautiful boy before.
He had flawlessly proportionate features, dark hair, eyes, and complexion, as well as polished motions. His clothing was simple yet incredibly well-made and attractive. Not to mention, he even made a point of looking good. Furthermore, even though he was only a child, he even had a faint scent of flowers.
Elias was a cool boy. I suppose his looks were always second to none.
Ahhh, I can’t stop drooling when I relive the memory of him! Milord, you have always been a beauty—so pure, so stunning, but so distressingly decadent! Wouldn’t you have been my equal if you were a woman? How could someone so pleasing to the eye and so faultless in appearance be so divinely sent!
My noble and divine Lord. I will drag you down from your lofty throne, make you crawl, and kick you in the head. Just not right now. Perhaps a little later, I promise.
But I suppose this is what the saying “love is blind” really means. I may be exaggerating a little, for I know that I have a greatly distorted subjective opinion of you. Though I have no doubt that you are a good-looking person… hahaha. After all, I am a crazy blind person, so perhaps in everyone’s eyes, you appeared as a mediocre gentleman.
At first, I was unable to accept what I was seeing. While I was in a daze, Milord, you also made your first acquaintance with me. It was a trivial conversation with a trivial fellow, but because it was your voice, it didn’t matter how insignificant your words sounded. Even the mere sound of your breathtakingly captivating words made all my hairs stand on end and my soul quiver. It was the voice of a lovely, high-pitched boy before your voice undergoes a transition.
It was my lifelong regret and lifelong blunder that I had not attacked you when you were a boy. I should have taken action as soon as I met you. If I had known from the beginning that you were such a cruel individual,I would not have shown mercy and would have swiftly grasped your weakness and removed it from your body.
But would that have been the same thing? You don’t care about anyone but yourself, so you would have dumped me in a heartbeat. Had I not been a weak woman, you would not have given me your affection in the first place. If so, that senseless performance may have been a necessary part of it.
At any rate, Milord, you liked me at least for a while. I have never been so pleased to possess my own charms. Without the advantage of possessing beauty and the bonus of having a reputation, I doubt that you would have been so drawn to me.
Even though I tend to show my fondness for you, I immediately understood your position in the palace. You were a pitiful prince in a perilous position. In a royal family with blond hair and blue eyes, you were obviously an anomaly. The queen, on the other hand, was slightly darker in color.
Me? I didn’t care which one it was. Whether you are a true royal or another man’s descendant – it’s a trivial matter, isn’t it? Why are you so obsessed with blood you can’t even recognize? There is nothing wrong with the fact that you are attractive; regardless of who your parents are, you are still you. I would still fall in love with you even if you had been born from a pig’s belly.
However, my intuition told me that you are indeed a son of the king, and I even suspected that the other one might not be. The Second Prince was lavished with attention in a way that was indescribably remarkable, wasn’t it? It was as if someone was reluctant to release him.
Oh, yeah, was it an epidemic that caused the First Prince to pass away too soon? You can imagine how quickly that kind of thing can happen if you read a few records. A rapid illness on the road would be nothing more than poisoning. My guess was that he was too conspicuous. The second one was probably overlooked as an heir because he didn’t inspire a sense of inferiority. The other princes who were born from the status of concubines didn’t need to be explained though―
It didn’t matter to me at all what was the state of affairs at the court. Since you seemed to be so concerned about it, I simply looked into it. The pursuit of the truth was of no importance to me. All I care about was having the information and the cards in my hand that was favorable to me.
I was only an accessory for you, Milord. But it was a wonder. Unlike other masters, I thought it was fine with Milord. Because my first love had me completely spellbound.
There was no problem. Since Kitty was a slave, the master who owned her could do as he pleased.
You touched me.
You gave me a name.
You gave me a collar.
You brought me home with you.
Kitty, Kitty, my kitten.
Kitty, Kitty, I am your very own kitten.
You were a prince on the outside, yet not much more than a petty little devil on the inside.
Every time you look in the mirror, an idealized picture of yourself emerges, but you are disappointed by the image of yourself that does not match the ideal.
Even though you looked down on others, you were frightened of what reflected in their eyes.
You stomped on the weak as much as you could since you were unable to flatter the strong.
What an uncontrollably obnoxious nature, isn’t it? You were so severely hurt by your own abhorrence that you took it out on me. I was a helpless doll that couldn’t speak.
It was foolishness. To be a real virtuous person, you have to be either extremely evil or a fool. Milord, you have been a very ordinary, human-like weak person. Nevertheless, you shook your fist ferociously and pretended to close your eyes against the overflowing tears, insisting that you were not powerless.
It was bound to happen. The individuals closest to you and your family, who ought to have applauded you the most, were all betraying your confidence despite your best efforts.
You were a lonely, pitiful, incomplete being. But as I came to know you better and better, the more I liked you, and the only reason you were mine alone was that no one treated you well.
Even if you resisted, someone who paid close attention to you would be able to sense the change in your facial expression since you were prone to being emotional over the smallest things.
Your mood would instantly improve when something went well; it would quickly become unpleasant when something went wrong; and when something went well once more, you would chuckle as if you hadn’t forgotten what had just happened. Your mouth would be hanging open as your brows would rise.
Maybe I was a little envious since I could never have done that. When you were joyful, I felt joy; when you were sad, I felt grief; when you were angry, I felt rage; and when you were having fun, I laughed too.
I had never before felt envious of others. Never did I feel sorry for myself. Nothing piqued my interest. But my vision was tinted and my world was broadened when I witnessed Milord acting and living the way he wanted to.
What are you seeing? What are you hearing? What are you thinking?
If you weren’t here, I would think of you, and if you were here, I would stare at you.
All I had to do was smile. As long as I laughed and pretended to be a fool, I could live with that. There was no problem.
When I looked at you, my heart was inexplicably stirred. This was what it meant to cry. To be angry. I attempted to imitate you because I wanted to understand you. Day after day, I watched you so intently that I experienced a void in my heart; the smallest change would drive me into a frenzy.
But I remained a doll, your Kitty of convenience. My inner self was really undergoing a shift, but I kept pushing it away.
I love you, so it was natural for me to do this, isn’t it? I didn’t even care about myself. As long as I could satisfy you, I did not care how many times I had to be killed.
You first made an effort to make things as normal as you could, but ultimately grew unbearable and began to use me as an outlet for all your frustrations. You never left a trace on my body since you are as timid as you can be. There was a time when I was kicked in the stomach, and another time when I was pushed against a pair of fire tongs on a cold day. I even had my hair suddenly cut off. You eventually discovered that striking with your hands would injure you as well, and whipping became the standard form of discipline. I was relieved that I wasn’t wounded in this way, though. Having never been in a proper fight, you didn’t know that there was a trick to beating. In all honesty, you weren’t very good at it and it was a really amateurish method.
But I didn’t mind the pain at all. It was my role, my raison d’etre, my bliss to accept you wholeheartedly. You needed me. If that was all that counted, what else would matter?
We were like that, helpless children, isolated, discontent, a cauldron with a hole in it that could never be satiated.
I was genuinely pleased. It was miraculous in a way. There was only me and you in the world. I alone in the world would know your expression like that.
Kitty, Kitty. You called me, so I will go. I will perform any trick you ask. I will even make a spectacle of myself.
So look at me. Don’t leave me. I have no other desires.
Why did you break everything off so easily then? Why did you abandon me so abruptly and without warning? It happened the day after we made love, just when I felt our relationship was complete!
Was it because of my virginity? No matter how filthy the rest of my body became, I dutifully safeguarded it along with my lips because I wanted to dedicate my first experience to the person I loved. Was even that a mistake? Did I make a mistake by not deflowering and inflicting pain on myself? Did you want a whore who gladly moved her hips in the bedroom the same way you desired a cat with a pure heart? I had the ability to carry out all of your requests, but I only did so because I believed you would enjoy the company of a simple-minded young woman. Did I fail to do enough research?
Hey, please let me know which aspect of me you didn’t think was up to standard. At least tell me why.
I believed I had it all at the time and even believed I could pass away in this manner.
Because we were both lonely, I mistakenly believed that we were similar. While I was always focusing just on you, your eyes were constantly looking around.
Oh, gods in heaven. Love can be a pain to live with. Even though I have fallen so deeply in love, I can’t see the depths of it at all. There is no end to the yearning and longing.
To someone who holds unique meaning for me, I want to be exceptional. At the very least, let me be with him if that’s not feasible. I wish to be by his side forever. Is even this little request of mine excessive? Are you suggesting that because I am powerless, I will only be trampled upon? A kitten without power could do nothing. If that was what he wanted – no matter how convinced I was that he needed me, if he rejected me, I thought I would indulge him.
But I couldn’t do it. There was no way I could do it. If only I could just give up on him. I wouldn’t fall head over heels in love with him right away.
So I resolved to peel off the skin of the monster.
And I have determined not to put up with it any longer.
It was then that I realized for the first time that I had a feeling of deep-seated loathing for someone.